Work in Progress, Part Three.

TOWARDS THE END OF THE WORLD'S LONGEST WORK IN PROGRESS. I HOPE. THE WORLD'S WORST CD, MIKEY/MYKEY, IS DRIVING THE ENTIRE CREATIVE DEPARTMENT SENSELESS WITH STUPID SUGGESTIONS AND UNACHIEVABLE REQUESTS AND TASKS FOR A BUNCH OF LOSER CLIENTS.

MIKEY: Sharon, I know there's no concept yet, but can you please start getting production happening on the Fashions 4 Kids Christmas TV campaign. As you know, it's now very late in the piece, and I'd like you to commence casting and obtain costings for the campaign. I understand the difficulty in that we do not yet have a script, a storyboard or even a concept, but you know what Fashions 4 Kids are like at making a decision.

SHARON: I know what you're like at making a decision, more to the point, Mikey.

MIKEY: What? Also, Sharon, can you get FACTS approval and tee up a director. I know Fred Schepisi’s good with kids doing stuff. And no, I don’t know what the budget is.

SHARON: Fred Schepisi's overseas, Mikey. Or dead. Or something. Or is that Peter Weir?

MIKEY (IGNORES HER): Paul, can you write another price policy for Fashions 4 Kids? This is vital, as the consumer perception is that buying things at Fashions 4 Kids is dearer than getting them at Kmart. So, although they are in fact the dearest on the market, the price policy is to say that Fashions 4 Kids is the cheapest. See what you can do. You’re a wordsmith, you should be able to come up with an outright lie.

PAUL: Why don't you get some balls and tell them to re-assess their positioning in the market, Mikey? You can't pretend to be cheaper than Target or Kmart if you're actually dearer. You just can't. We should dump the stupid price policy and talk about their real point of difference which is range and store ambience, the shopping experience - which makes visiting Kmart look like being remanded in custody.

MIKEY (LAUGHS): Ha! Very good Paul, you should be a writer! Hah! Hah! Being remanded in custody! Hah!

PAUL: I am a fucking writer, Mikey. And I was thinking of here, not Kmart.

MIKEY: Right. Next. On to Tri-signs. The tri-sign program has become the most important element in the Fashions 4 Kids communications mix. This week, we’ll need to crank up ideas for exactly what should be put into the tri-signs. The client has not given us a brief, but we should anticipate a solution and sit down and really come up with some great work for these tri-signs. Leo, can you and Paul come up with some ideas.

LEO: What's a tri-sign?

MIKEY: What?

PAUL: He said 'What's a tri-sign?', Mikey. And Mikey, what is a fucking tri-sign? And how can it be more important than the TV commercial?

MIKEY: Everyone knows what a tri-sign is, Paul, even a 'fucking' tri-sign as you call it. It's common knowledge and everyone in this room should know what one is.

PAUL: Good. Then tell us, Mikey.

MIKEY: Well, it's a ... it's a sign with ... with three sides. That's what it is.

PAUL: Why?

MIKEY: Why what?

PAUL: Why does it have three sides?

MIKEY: So you can put three posters in it, I suppose.

PAUL: And why would you want to do that, Mikey?

MIKEY: So you can have three messages, Paul.

PAUL: What's wrong with one message at a time, Mikey? What's wrong with brutally simple thinking?

MIKEY: The client wants as many messages as possible everywhere, Paul. They want value from their adspend.

PAUL: Sticking three posters in one display sign is value for money advertising? Then what's wrong with six? Or ten? Or seventeen?

MIKEY: Then it wouldn't be a tri-sign, Paul. It would be a sex-sign or a deca-sign ...

THE ROOM FALLS ABOUT LAUGHING. AT MIKEY, NOT WITH HIM.

MIKEY (THINKS HE HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY WITTY): Heh. Sex-sign. I knew you'd like that. Heh. Now that's out of the way, let's talk about some other pressing work. Josh, the latest catalogue cover you designed has been presented to the client. As a result, can you throw it out and do another one? This time, double the size of the logo, the size of the toys and the headline, and reduce the space devoted to empty, pointless ‘concept’.

JOSH IS SPEECHLESS.

MIKEY (ALL SMILES): Apart from that, they loved it. Now, on to this week’s most important job. Who wants to do a birthday card for our client, Patrick Gleeson, the Fashions 4 Kids marketing manager. Does the word obsequious mean anything....