Beer, Part Two.

JUNE, THE LAST REMAINING TEA-LADY IN THE HISTORY OF ADVERTISING, CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A TROLLEY LOAD OF COFFEE CUPS. SHE SAYS NOTHING BUT PLONKS A TRAY WITH CUPS ON IT DOWN ON THE BOARDROOM TABLE AND WADDLES OUT AGAIN, SLAMMING THE DOOR.

EUGENE: I see June's in her usual high spirits today.

JUSTIN: Every time there's a pitch on she gets more stressed than anyone else in the entire agency because it throws her routine out. A presentation with sixty million dollars in the balance and she's grumpy about ten extra cups to wash up. Plus, I figure she's lost us several new accounts just by spilling coffee on the MD or being rude to the head of marketing.

EUGENE: Yes, well as clients we do factor in the quality of service at a potential agency. That's only natural. And have you ever seen an ugly advertising agency receptionist?

JUSTIN: At the end of the day the quality of creative work is all that counts, Eugene.

EUGENE: That's because at the end of the day the receptionist goes home and there's nothing else to look at. All right, get on with it.

JUSTIN PULLS OUT SOME STORYBOARDS. HE STARTS PRESENTING THE IDEAS.

JUSTIN: Eugene, we've had some great new teams on this account and they've worked their butts off to come up with some really cracking ideas. We've come up with a number of angles and I'm sure there's something here that you'll really love. The key driver is to take your beer brand forward and give it a real sense of presence in the marketplace, a compelling purchase incentive and a unique identity that says 'This is the beer of choice for today's drinker!.

EUGENE: I'll be the judge of that, Justin. Could you stop talking shit and just show me the ideas?

JUSTIN: Well Eugene, the first idea trades on the fact that beer drinkers drink beer for one reason only.

EUGENE: And what would that be, Justin.

JUSTIN: To get pissed, Eugene.

EUGENE: What about taste?

JUSTIN: Nope.

EUGENE: What about image?

JUSTIN: Nope.

EUGENE: What about brand differentiation?

JUSTIN: Nope. You can't even say that after a few beers.

EUGENE: What about brand loyalty?

JUSTIN: Nope. Get into the real world, Eugene. Have you ever been to a party where the beer runs out? People will start drinking anything that isn't under lock and key and even then they'll look for the key. People are disgusting. People will raid the host's drinks cabinet and start hauling out old half-empty bottles of tawny port and Corio whisky and ripping tops off their host's collection of Century test cricket cans of VB and drinking them warm. Just to be drinking anything. Brand attributes? The container might have brand attributes but the product inside is just beer.

LONG PAUSE

EUGENE: Then why do we need to advertise at all, Justin?

JUSTIN: It's like hardware store advertising, Eugene. Suddenly it's springtime and someone sees a hedge-trimmer and a can of paint on a TV ad and they rush straight out to their nearest hardware store. The brand doesn't matter one iota. Bunnings? Mitre 10? Home Hardware? Who gives a toss? Incidentally, this has been proven by statistics showing a spike in all hardware brand sales when only one brand is currently running a campaign.

EUGENE: Exactly what is this leading up to, Justin?

JUSTIN: To this, Eugene.

HE HITS A BUTTON AND AN ANIMATIC STARTS PLAYING ON THE SCREEN.

VISION: Four men with scarves tied around their eyes as if about to take a blind taste test. In front of them are four cans each of four brands of beer: Redback, Corona, Miller Draught and Cooper's Dry.

VOICEOVER: The blind taste test is a tired old cliche, so for our beer test, we decided to throw away the blinds. Gentlemen, remove your scarves and come and have a beer.

THE MEN REMOVE THEIR SCARVES AND EACH GRABS A BEER WITH ALACRITY AND A BIG SMILE ON THEIR FACE. RATHER THAN TASTE THEM CAREFULLY, THEY DRINK THEM STRAIGHT DOWN. USING A STOP-MOTION DELAY EFFECT, WE SEE THEM DRAIN, IN UNISON, ONE EACH OF FOUR BRANDS WITHOUT TAKING ANY NOTICE OF THE BRAND.

VOICEOVER: So gentlemen, what's your favourite beer?

ALL IN UNISON:
The last one.
PAUSE
Whatever that was.

CUT TO GRAPHIC WITH IMAGE OF BEER LABEL:
Stanhope Brewing Company. Because all beer is good.

DEAD SILENCE FALLS ACROSS THE ROOM UNTIL JUNE CRASHES IN AGAIN WITH THE TROLLEY

JUNE: Are you finished yet? I've got another meeting to prepare for.